


Where the Hell Were You?

by brihana25



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s07e18 Heroes (2), Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 07, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-10
Updated: 2012-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-30 21:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brihana25/pseuds/brihana25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things haven't really been the same between SG-1 since Daniel returned to them. Will the death of a good friend bring them back together, or will it drive them apart forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> My enormous thanks and gratitude to the amazingly perceptive and talented Ms. LadyGrey - Beta readers don't come any better than her.

* * *

Thoughts and impressions floated in and out of his mind, remembered and forgotten and remembered again. Thunder, lightning, fire falling from the sky... explosions, destruction, pain, and then darkness. He hovered there for a time, marveling at the wonder and horror and terrible beauty of it all. He knew with a strange and disconnected sort of certainty that this was the 'Meaning of Life Stuff' that he'd talked about in the past without truly understanding. But he understood it all now. As he floated above the memories and sank into them, breathing his fill of the light with reckless abandon while feeling himself drowning in the dark, he knew he understood.  
  
This wasn't 'Stuff' but it was the Meaning of Life.  
  
The All, the Nothing, and the Everything In Between. Life, Death, War, Peace, Love, Hate - each had a name and a face of its own, and he recognized them all now. They were all breathtakingly beautiful and horrendously ugly. They lived and they breathed and they worshipped at the feet of their one true master.  
  
Pain.  
  
The Everything came forth from the Pain, and in turn the Pain came forth from the Everything. It was a constant circle of gain and loss, breath and suffocation, birth and death and resurrection just to die again. It all happened right in front of them, but no one saw it. They could have touched it if they just reached out their hands, but instead they pulled them back. They did not love the Pain as they should. They did not worship it, or pray for it, or crave it. Instead, they feared it. They pulled back from it, avoided it, pushed it down and dulled it.  
  
And they never understood.  
  
But he did.  
  
He felt it within him - a bright white flame that burned in his chest and seared his veins. The Pain was telling him that something was wrong, something was missing, something beautiful needed to be reborn. He listened, and he understood. The Pain was a physical thing and an ethereal thing - horrible and terrible and peaceful and beautiful. And when he opened his heart to it, and let it flow through him, it showed him the Truth.  
  
Perfection lay on the other side of Pain. A connection, a love, a soul-melding of epic proportion that could be achieved only by embracing the Pain and doing battle with it. The strength required was something few possessed, to forge ever forward in the face of immeasurable torment, but knowing that the reward for his courage would mend his torn soul would bolster his reserves. He knew he would persevere.  
  
He knew he had to.  
  
And so he started the climb out of the darkness and light, knowing that the Pain would be waiting for him when he reached the top but relishing the chance to defeat it. The Pain of the physical made a nuisance of itself, pulling at his chest and taunting him without words. It told him that he was safer where he was, that to stay beneath it was the wise thing to do. It told him that there was nothing for him at the top of that climb but more of itself; that the Pain that waited was more terrible than that which he climbed past to reach it.  
  
He laughed in its face as his fingers gripped the edge and he pulled himself out.  
  
Two familiar, beautiful, radiant faces greeted him - one masked behind a stoicism that belied deep concern, one wide-open and emanating near-panic, and both expressing the beautiful, horrible, terrible, amazing Truth that was Pain.  
  
He blinked slowly as his eyes moved from one face to the other, convinced that he had to be wrong. There were three. There were always three. There had to be three.  
  
There were only two.  
  
Blinking again as distant memories of recent visions faded and escaped him, he looked into their faces and gave voice to his own Pain.  
  
"Where's Daniel?"


	2. Recriminations

Jack held her until he felt the last shaking sob fade away. The officer in him told him that this was inappropriate, that he should push her away and maintain his distance. But the man in him told him that this was vital and important, and that if this was what she needed from him, then this is what he should give her. A few moments of peace and comfort to help ease the hours and days of constant pain and sorrow was not too much to ask for, and it certainly wasn't too much to give.  
  
He'd never really understood that before. He'd only ever been able to truly open himself up to one person, and that had been so long ago that the feeling of giving or receiving comfort of a soul was only a distant impression of a memory.  
  
His near-death experience had changed that. At the least, it had given him the knowledge that he needed it back. The huge, gaping hole in his soul should have healed months ago, but he'd realized that he hadn't allowed it to. He'd stayed away, maintained his distance, keeping what should have been his healing at arm's length rather than letting it sink in, as he should have done.  
  
Jack wondered at the role-reversal. He, Jack O'Neill - the strong and proud and emotionally detached military man - was standing in the Infirmary, holding a recently cried-out Sam Carter in his arms, while the deeply-feeling, compassionate, ever-emotional Daniel Jackson was hiding in a dark corner somewhere.  
  
Daniel...  
  
"Where is he, Sam?"  
  
He felt her head move slightly against his chest and her quivering sigh against his skin. "I don't know."  
  
Jack patted her lightly on the back. "It's okay," he said softly. He touched her chin and tipped her face up to him, wiping away the last vestiges of her tears with his thumb. "It's okay."  
  
"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "It's not."  
  
Jack nodded slightly and closed his eyes, allowing Sam the dignity of pulling away from him on her own. He opened them again to find Sam staring blankly at the empty space above his left shoulder.  
  
"He won't talk to us. Not to me, not to Teal'c. If we try he just..." She fumbled for words, licking her lips quickly before continuing. "Well, he doesn't want us there. We ask him questions; he won't answer. We tell him we understand; he just looks at us. We try to remind him that we're still here; he tells us to go away." She focused her eyes on his again, and drew a deep, ragged breath. "I don't think I can handle this."  
  
"You're doing fine, Sam."  
  
She laughed - a bitter, strangled laugh that held no humor. "I'm a wreck. I'm falling apart. And everyone around me is doing the same, and I can't even hold myself together long enough to help them."  
  
"Sam..."  
  
"Cassie won't even talk to me. 'She's a tough kid.' Hell, Jack, she's just a kid. And she just lost her mother - again - and there's absolutely nothing she wants to hear from me about it. She just... she's trying so hard to make it through this, and I'm trying to help her, and I can't. I look at her, and I see Janet, and I lose it. We spend all of our time together either crying in each other's arms or screaming at each other. And we scream, and we feel guilty, and we cry, and it starts all over again."  
  
Jack nodded solemnly. "I know what you mean."  
  
"And Daniel..." Sam's voice broke. She closed her eyes and turned away.  
  
"Worse this time, isn't it?"  
  
Sam nodded without opening her eyes. "Even before we knew for sure, we knew he was still... somewhere. We didn't know if we'd ever see him again, but at least we knew there was a chance we might. But Janet... Janet's just..."  
  
"No time to release her burden," Jack whispered.  
  
Sam's head snapped up, anger flashing in her eyes. "What burden? What judgment could she possibly not pass? How could she have possibly been unworthy? My God, she was... she was just..."  
  
"She deserved better," Jack agreed.  
  
"She deserved her life!" Sam declared, suddenly spinning and slamming her fist into a supply cabinet that had obviously wronged her in some way. "She deserved to watch her daughter get married! She deserved to be happy, and to be loved, and damn it, she deserved to live!"  
  
Jack stepped forward, alarmed at the speed with which Sam had gone from despondent to livid. "Hey, Carter, calm down..."  
  
"No!" she spat back at him. "No, damn it, I will not calm down! I'm tired of calming down! I am angry, and upset, and pissed off! I am seriously pissed off at some powerful people," she cried out, waving her fist at the ceiling, "and damn it, I'm going to make them hear me!"  
  
Jack looked up in confusion, not understanding exactly what Sam was ranting about. Then, suddenly, it came to him. He looked back down at her, his eyebrows raised in sympathy. "Oh... them..."  
  
"Yes, them! Or more specifically, her!" Sam's eyes bore into Jack, begging him for an answer that she knew he didn't have. "Where was she? She was here to take Daniel away from us when he had a choice. Where was she when Janet didn't?"  
  
"I don't know, Sam."  
  
"Damn it," Sam whispered, closing her eyes and turning away once more. "Where were you?" she screamed at the ceiling again. "Where the hell were you?!"  
  
Jack stood silently staring at Sam's back, uncertain of just what he should do to help her.  
  
"Damn you!" Sam cried out, slamming her fist into the cabinet once more. "Damn you, Oma Desala! Why? Why didn't you save her? It isn't fair!"  
  
Jack jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Sam from behind, pinning her arms to her sides. "Sam... Sam, stop. It's all right..."  
  
"It's not all right!" Sam screamed through her tears. "It's never going to be all right! She's... Janet... oh God..." Sam crumpled; only Jack's arms around her kept her on her feet. "Oh God, Jack... she's gone. Janet's gone..."  
  
Jack closed his eyes and nodded his head slowly. "Yes, she is."  
  
Sam sniffled and fought to bring her hysteria under control. After a deep, shaking breath she said softly, "I want her back."  
  
Jack simply nodded once more. "I know you do."  
  
Sam let out a short, derisive huff. "What the hell do you know?" she asked hotly. "You didn't even cry when he died."  
  
Jack let go of Sam quickly and stepped back from her. "This isn't about me and Daniel."  
  
"Yes it is!" Sam spat, turning to face him again. "You got him back, Jack. You didn't cry when he died, you didn't miss him, you didn't even want him back, but you got him."  
  
Jack closed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists at his side. "I'm going to forget you said that, Carter," he said slowly, opening his eyes to look at her again. "Because you're really upset right now, I'm just going to pretend that you didn't just say that I didn't miss Daniel."  
  
"You didn't," she insisted hotly. "He's gone, just forget about him and let's get on with it." Sam stepped forward, jabbing her finger forward in accusation. "That's what you did. That's what you said."  
  
"Stop it, Carter," Jack ordered softly. "You're going too far."  
  
"How can you stand there and say to me that you know how I feel right now? My best friend is dead. You can't know what that feels like because you didn't even care when yours died!"  
  
"I did care, Carter," Jack insisted, his body rigid as he fought to hold the rising pain in his chest down and forced the words past the lump forming in his throat. "I cared more than you could ever possibly know."  
  
How could he make her understand? How could he explain to her how much it had hurt to know that Daniel was gone, to not know if he was ever coming back? How did he make her see that he had wanted to scream and cry and wave his arms around and punch things like she was doing? How did he convince her that the pain and anger she felt now was exactly what he had felt then? How did he justify to her holding it inside, not letting anyone see it, not sharing it with the people around him when he knew they had felt the same?  
  
How did he make her believe that he had felt the pain and loss and desperation that she was feeling when he had tried so hard and fought so long to convince her, to convince everyone, that he hadn't? And how did he show her how wrong it had been of him to do it and how sorry he was that he'd ever even tried?  
  
Sam snorted her disbelief and turned away.  
  
Jack shook his head slowly and looked away from her. His team, his friends, his family... they were falling apart all around him. Sam was having some sort of breakdown right before his eyes. Teal'c was spending all of his time alone and meditating. And Daniel was still hiding in that dark corner somewhere, pushing everyone away. They were all feeling so much, and needed each other more than ever, and they were all doing their best to push everyone they needed away.  
  
He had to stop it, now, before he lost them all forever.  
  
"It damn near killed me, Sam."  
  
Sam turned her head slightly, but didn't look at him. Jack sighed deeply and continued.  
  
"I spent the first two days wondering whether or not he actually knew how much he meant to me. The two after that I spent kicking myself because I never told him. The next two days I spent angry... at myself for not being able to keep him here, at him for leaving, at Oma for taking him. And then I convinced myself that since there was nothing anyone could do to fix it, there was no point in thinking about it any more. And I tried really, really hard to just forget about him. Because it..." Jack faltered, and Sam finally looked at him across her shoulder. "It hurt. I'd come to work, and go to his office, and he wasn't there. Or I'd go to his apartment, and it was empty. Or we'd be standing in the Gate Room, and I'd be staring at the door thinking 'Come on, Daniel,' but he never walked through it. He was supposed to be here, ya know? He was supposed to be here, and he wasn't... and it hurt like hell."  
  
"You never said..."  
  
"No, I didn't. I never said anything. You were upset, and so was Teal'c, and I was supposed to be there for you... but I didn't know how to be. How could I help you deal with Daniel's death if I couldn't deal with it myself?"  
  
"Just like me...," Sam whispered.  
  
"Just like you," Jack said. "Except you're at least trying. You're trying to help Cass, and you're trying to help Daniel, and here I am, just like the last time, not doing anything. But this time, you're right, there is no 'maybe.' There is no 'chance.' Daniel wasn't gone, not really. Janet is. And you're right, she won't be coming back."  
  
Sam's eyes started to fill again; Jack stepped forward quickly and put his hand on her arm.  
  
"But I do know, Sam. I do. There was a time when every death was final, and I remember those. I remember Kawalsky, and Charlie..." Jack's voice trailed off and for a moment he seemed to be lost in his memories. A small smile crossed his lips, and he turned back to face her again. "And no, they're never coming back and no, it'll never be right." He touched her chin with his fingers again and she looked up at him. "But it will be all right."  
  
"When?"  
  
Jack smiled again. "When thinking of her makes you happy again."  
  
Sam shook her head. "It's still not fair," she insisted. "You got him back. I want her back too."  
  
Jack shook his head sadly. "I don't think I really got him back, Sam. Not yet."  
  
Sam sniffed and wiped her face quickly. "What do you mean?"  
  
"If I had him back, it'd be him here with you right now instead of me." Jack smiled quickly and patted Sam's arm twice before stepping back from her once more. "You okay?"  
  
Sam shook her head. "No. But I will be." She flashed him a weak, tired smile. "We all will be, right, sir?"  
  
Jack nodded his head with more conviction than he felt, determined that he would prove himself right. "Absolutely, Carter. Absolutely."  



	3. Regrets

Jack knocked on the door to Teal'c's quarters before opening it. He wasn't surprised by the sight that greeted him inside. Teal'c sat on his floor, surrounded by seemingly hundreds of candles, and the entire room was illuminated by their glow. Jack closed the door quietly and moved across the room, settling himself to the floor across from Teal'c.  
  
Teal'c opened his eyes and smiled. "O'Neill."  
  
"Hey, Teal'c," Jack returned softly. "Am I bothering you?"  
  
"You are not." Teal'c looked around the room slowly. "I am unable to successfully Kel'no'reem. My mind is too troubled by recent events."  
  
Jack nodded. "Yeah. It's been a rough couple of days."  
  
"Major Carter is most distressed by the loss of Doctor Fraiser."  
  
"Yeah, she is."  
  
"And Daniel Jackson..."  
  
"You've seen him?" Jack asked hurriedly.  
  
Teal'c shook his head slowly. "I have not. I have tried, but he seems most unwilling to accept my presence. He is making himself unapproachable."  
  
"He's hiding," Jack answered softly. "He's hiding from all of us." Jack took a deep breath and blew it out, looking Teal'c straight in the eyes. "We can't let him do that, T."  
  
Teal'c nodded once. "I agree. However, I do fear that in my current state I would be of no help to him."  
  
Jack tilted his head and looked back at Teal'c in confusion. "Your current state?"  
  
Teal'c pushed himself to his feet smoothly and turned his back to Jack. "I find myself having difficulty in dealing with the death of Doctor Fraiser. I am having... thoughts... questions..."  
  
Jack thought he sensed a slight understanding, and he pushed it forward. "Regrets, Teal'c?"  
  
Teal'c considered the word for a moment, and then nodded again. "I believe they may be regrets, O'Neill."  
  
Jack leaned back on his hands, waiting for Teal'c to continue.  
  
"I have long thought of Doctor Fraiser as a good friend. I have respected her greatly. I have admired her strength and dedication and beauty, but I never spoke to her of my admiration. I believed that to do so would have in some way threatened the friendship that I so enjoyed. Now that she is gone, I feel as though there is something missing - as though I have lost something that I am aware I never truly had."  
  
Jack didn't even attempt to hide his shock at the revelation. "God, T... are you telling me you were in love with her?"  
  
Teal'c turned back around and faced Jack once more. "I am not certain," he answered. "Perhaps I only admired her. Perhaps I am confusing my gratitude with affection. Perhaps I am mourning the loss of a dear friend who was indeed no more than that."  
  
"Yeah," Jack admitted. "Or perhaps you loved her." Jack raised an eyebrow at his own pronouncement. Of all the things that he had imagined Teal'c would be feeling right now, regret for a love he might have lost had never even entered Jack's mind.  
  
"Perhaps," Teal'c replied. He lowered himself back to the floor opposite Jack and closed his eyes again. "However, I have lost all chances to explore these possibilities, and I must accept the fact that I will never know. Just as I will never know if I might have saved her."  
  
Jack started in surprise, again caught off-guard by the man's statements. Teal'c felt responsible?  
  
"How could you have possibly saved her, T?"  
  
Teal'c didn't open his eyes, but raised his head slightly. "When I witnessed the staff blast that wounded you, I was momentarily distracted. I did not see the Jaffa that you had been tracking, the one that I believe to have fired the blast that killed her." Jack shook his head but didn't speak, knowing that Teal'c needed to say his piece and allowing him to do so uninterrupted. "Had I not allowed your injury to distract me, I might have been able to prevent her killer from cresting the hill. I lost my focus, and I do believe that Doctor Fraiser paid the price for my inability to maintain my composure."  
  
Jack swallowed hard and sighed. "Teal'c, you can't blame yourself for what happened to Fraiser."  
  
Teal'c opened his eyes and stared at Jack across the flames. "If it was my mistake that caused her death, I most certainly can."  
  
Jack saw the certainty in Teal'c's eyes, the absolute conviction that he was responsible for Janet's death. Underneath that, in a place that no one but Jack would have seen, was a question, almost a pleading, that wanted to be told that he was wrong. Teal'c sought absolution from Jack without asking for it, and Jack didn't hesitate to tell him just how wrong he was.  
  
"It was a battlefield, Teal'c. You know better than anyone how confusing they are. There were guns and staffs firing everywhere, Gliders buzzing around, and Ha'taks dropping napalm on our heads. How could you have possibly picked out one Jaffa in all of that?"  
  
Teal'c tilted his head slightly. "Did you not see him, O'Neill? Were you not tracking him when you were hit?"  
  
Jack nodded in agreement. "I did. And I was. And what happened to me?" Teal'c didn't respond; Jack continued. "I got myself shot tracking him, Teal'c. If I'd stayed where I was, I might have been able to pick him off before he made it across that hill. But I didn't. I moved; I followed him; I got myself shot. And because I did, he made it across that hill and yeah, maybe he's the one that killed Fraiser. But that makes what happened my fault, not yours."  
  
"You were wounded," Teal'c argued.  
  
"By my own stupidity, Teal'c," Jack responded. "We were in the middle of one of the most heated battles we've had in a long time. The ranking officer on the field, me, breaks cover, gets wounded and goes down. Bombs are dropping everywhere, shots are being fired, the whole scene is chaos..." Jack trailed off and looked Teal'c right in the eye. "And what did you do, T? Where the hell were you?"  
  
Teal'c opened his mouth to answer, but Jack didn't give him the chance.  
  
"I'll tell you where you were. You were exactly where you were supposed to be. You held your position, you held that line, and you made it possible for us to get off that planet with no more casualties than we had. If you'd changed position at all, if you'd taken up tracking that Jaffa, yeah, maybe you'd have gotten him before he blasted Fraiser, but you'd have left a gaping hole in our line. And maybe another Jaffa would have broken through, and maybe he'd have finished me off, or gotten Carter, or gotten Daniel... or maybe they all would have broken through, and no one would have gotten out of there alive."  
  
Jack could read from Teal'c's expression that he didn't fully believe him, but he was starting to doubt his failure. For Jack, for the time being, it was enough.  
  
"It would seem that Doctor Fraiser's death has left many questions that will go forever unanswered, O'Neill."  
  
Jack nodded. "Oh yeah."  
  
"What is the condition of Major Carter?"  
  
Jack scratched his head absently. "Oh, not so good, I'd say. She's having a rough time of it, but she's getting better, I think. She's having some trouble with writing the eulogy."  
  
Teal'c nodded. "Perhaps this is something with which I may be of assistance."  
  
Jack cocked his head in question.  
  
"I have been thinking on what I might say to Doctor Fraiser, if I were to be given the chance. I have discovered that I do not know enough words to honor her the way I wish, but perhaps together, Major Carter and I could do so."  
  
Jack smiled. "Yeah, T. I think that's a good idea."  
  
Teal'c nodded again before asking, "And what of Daniel Jackson?"  
  
Jack sighed. "Well, he's a whole other story. One that I have no idea how to address."  
  
"His self-enforced solitude is bothersome to me."  
  
"Yeah, me too," Jack agreed quietly. "I just can't figure out why he's taking this quite as hard as he is."  
  
"He was with her when she was wounded," Teal'c said. "He was at her side when she died. It was he who carried her body back through the Gate."  
  
"I didn't know that," Jack said, openly shocked. "He carried her? By himself?"  
  
Teal'c nodded once. "I offered to assist him, but he refused. He told me that the burden was his alone, and that I would not understand."  
  
Jack shook his head. "That doesn't sound much like Daniel."  
  
"It does not," Teal'c agreed. "The death of Doctor Fraiser is a burden that he should not carry alone, but he will not allow us to share it with him."  
  
"Yeah, well, he's not alone," Jack announced, pushing himself to his feet. "We just have to make him believe that."  
  
Jack turned and started for the door. Teal'c called to him again.  
  
"O'Neill?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"How exactly does one go about providing companionship and comfort to one who does not appear to desire it?"  
  
Jack shook his head slowly. "I have no idea, Teal'c. But I've got to try."  
  
"Daniel Jackson is not alone, O'Neill, and neither are you." Jack turned slightly and looked at Teal'c across his shoulder. "Should you require our assistance, we are here."  
  
"Thanks, T," Jack replied softly as he reached for the door. "I just might take you up on that." Jack pulled his hand back from the knob and turned back around. Teal'c had closed his eyes once more, and laid his hands in his lap. "You gonna be okay, big guy?"  
  
Teal'c nodded his head once without opening his eyes. "In time, O'Neill, I believe that I will be."  
  
"Good," Jack answered, reaching for the doorknob again. "That's good."  
  
"And you, O'Neill? Will you be well?"  
  
Jack froze for a moment and turned his head slightly. "Ask me that again after I talk to Daniel."  
  
Jack felt Teal'c's solemn nod behind him as he turned the knob and opened the door.


	4. Reformations

Jack could hear the shouting long before he reached its source, and he quickened his pace.  
  
The reporter had told him that he'd left Daniel alone in the isolation room after Daniel had insisted that he keep and use the tape of Janet's death. Jack had hoped to find Daniel there, alone, as he had been for the majority of the past two days, but that obviously wasn't going to happen. The voices floated out from the room at the end of the corridor, and Jack knew who it was that had intruded on Daniel's corner without permission.  
  
"Daniel, don't do this!"  
  
"Go away, Sam."  
  
"Daniel Jackson, your behavior is most unhealthy."  
  
"Leave me alone, Teal'c."  
  
"Daniel, talk to us. Please. Let us help."  
  
"You can't help. No one can help."  
  
"You must allow us to try."  
  
"I don't have to do anything."  
  
"We all lost her, Daniel. We're all hurting. And we need you."  
  
"You don't understand."  
  
"Doctor Fraiser is dead, Daniel Jackson, but we still live."  
  
"Not all of us."  
  
"Daniel, what are you...?"  
  
"Stop! Stop calling me that! I'm not him!"  
  
"Enough!" Jack bellowed.  
  
Teal'c and Sam turned to look at him, and in their eyes he saw the despair that he knew had to also be in his. Daniel couldn't really believe what he'd just said, could he? Had they really pushed him so far away that he thought he wasn't Daniel Jackson any more?  
  
Jack thought back over the months since Daniel's return, trying to pinpoint the moment when it had all gone so horribly, terribly wrong. He'd been overwhelmed at having Daniel back with them, but Arrom had pushed them away. Jack had tried to connect with Daniel again, had gone to his tent and tried to explain to him who and what he was, but Arrom hadn't seemed willing to listen.  
  
And Jack had left. He knew he hadn't tried hard enough to break through - he'd wanted Daniel back so badly, but Arrom wouldn't let him have him, and he'd felt the pain building up inside of him again, and he'd just left. He'd sent Carter in to finish what he'd started, and she had succeeded where Jack had given up.  
  
And now it seemed that Arrom was back again, pushing them all away just when they needed to pull Daniel close.  
  
Months of memories flashed in an instant, and Jack understood. Daniel standing at the foot of the Gate, wrestling with the memories and emotions and trying to make sense of them - alone - while Jack made a joke about Teal'c's blood sugar and turned away. Daniel standing in the isolation room, terrified, desperate for someone to reach out to, someone to help him understand what was happening to his mind - while Jack sat in the observation room, silent, and simply watched it happen. Daniel cowering against the base of a tree in Honduras with a bullet in his leg, beaten, bloody, and just barely hanging on by a thread - while Jack treated his wounds efficiently and offered no words of comfort or understanding.  
  
Months of Daniel needing reassurance that he was alive and that someone cared about him, and months of Jack refusing to give him those two simple things.  
  
No wonder he was hiding in the darkness of his corner.  
  
"Get out here, Daniel," Jack commanded.  
  
"I'm not..."  
  
"Shut up," Jack said hotly. "Stand up and get your ass out here."  
  
Daniel sighed deeply, and Jack heard the pain that the resignation tried to hide. He watched as Daniel slowly pulled himself to his feet and took a few hesitant steps out of the darkness. The pain and despair on Daniel's face was immeasurable, and Jack had to force himself to ignore it.  
  
"Explain what you just said."  
  
"Which part?" Daniel asked tiredly.  
  
"The part about you not being you."  
  
Daniel shook his head. "I didn't say I'm not me. I said I'm not him."  
  
"Him who?"  
  
"Him," Daniel repeated. "Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Daniel, that's absurd," Sam began, but Jack cut her off with a wave of his hand.  
  
"I am me," Daniel continued. "But I'm not him."  
  
"For crying out... of course you're him, Daniel!" Jack insisted.  
  
Daniel shook his head slowly. "It's weird, actually. I mean, I remember him. I remember being him. But I'm not him. He died, and I came back."  
  
"Would you please stop talking about yourself like you're two different people?"  
  
"Jack..."  
  
"No, Daniel!" Jack cried out. "He's not dead! You're not dead!"  
  
Daniel turned away slowly, and the darkness swallowed him again. "You're wrong, Jack. He is, and I was. You didn't get him back; you got me in his place."  
  
Jack stepped closer. "No, Daniel. We got you back. Where you went, what you did, who you were... none of that matters now. You're home."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes and sank further into the corner. "Am I?"  
  
"Of course you are, Daniel," Sam answered.  
  
"This is where you belong, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c added. "This is where you have always belonged."  
  
Daniel opened his eyes again and looked back at them with a sad smile. "Then why does it hurt so much?"  
  
Jack felt the need to run again, the need to pretend that Daniel was okay and that everything would be fine, but he refused to give into it this time. "Janet was a good friend, Daniel, but..."  
  
"No," Daniel interrupted softly. "I'm not talking about Janet."  
  
Jack tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. "You're not?"  
  
"No. Well, at least, not just her."  
  
"Okay, so tell us what you are talking about," Sam implored him.  
  
"I don't think you really want to hear it, Sam," Daniel answered.  
  
"Humor us, Daniel," Jack said.  
  
Daniel sighed heavily and took one step back out into the light of the room. "Okay. You guys really liked me before, right? We were friends, weren't we?"  
  
Jack and Teal'c nodded, and Sam said, "We love you, Daniel."  
  
"Well, see, that's the problem. I can remember what it felt like, before. I remember knowing that I was safe, and that I had people who cared about me. I can remember that you loved him. But now, since I've been here... you don't even like me. Things happened to me, really bad things happened to me, and I thought... well, you'd have been there for him, right? Because you loved him. But you weren't for me. And at first I wondered, you know, where the hell were you? And that's when I realized that I'm not him. Because if I were, you'd have been there. You loved him, and you resent me for taking him away from you."  
  
"Daniel!" Jack shouted.  
  
"How can you even think that?" Sam demanded.  
  
"This is not true, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c insisted.  
  
Daniel smiled, though tears welled in his eyes. "Oh, it's more true than you're willing to admit, Teal'c. You wanted him back, and you got me instead. You want me to be him, and I'm not. It's not you guys' fault; it's mine. I'm not the Daniel Jackson you thought I was, and you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. That's okay. That's normal, I guess. Or maybe, okay, well not really normal, because someone coming back from the dead a year later isn't exactly normal, but it's understandable." Daniel paused for a moment, and was met with nothing but stunned silence. "But see, the thing is... I still feel the same way he did. And I still..."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them the tears were gone and his voice was calm again, but he'd stepped back into the corner once more. "I still love you guys as much as he did. And I'm okay with the fact that you don't, I really am, and I understand why. Because losing Janet, and almost losing you," Daniel stared Jack right in the eye. "I can't do that. I've been trying to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but it does, and now I know; now I understand why you don't feel the same way about me that you did about him. Because you lost him. And if you cared about him half as much as I care about the three of you, then I have no idea how you survived. I don't think I could."  
  
"Daniel...," Jack began.  
  
"No, Jack, don't you see? I'm telling you that I understand. I know why you don't care any more. And I'm trying really, really hard not to care either, because if I care, and I lose one of you... I couldn't do that. I've lost too many, but I thought it was over, and I let myself care again, and now we've lost Janet, and... I'm not strong enough to go through this again. And I know now that you can't either, and I finally understand that's why everything feels so different now."  
  
Sam and Teal'c stood frozen in place, both of them shocked into silence by Daniel's words.  
  
Jack's silence was filled with comprehension. He had pulled away from Daniel since he'd returned. He had pushed Daniel away to protect himself from the pain of losing him again. He had made Daniel feel like no one cared if he lived or died.  
  
And now Jack understood exactly how it felt to be the one on the receiving end of the distance.  
  
Daniel's voice was so calm - the pain he'd shown on his face had been pushed away and he seemed somehow peaceful now. He believed every word he was saying; that much was obvious. Everything about him was so detached, so matter-of-fact, so accepting. But right beneath the surface calm, they could see the despair that he was holding in, the pain that he was pushing down, the depth of emotion that he was refusing to share with them.  
  
He honestly believed that they didn't want it.  
  
Jack cleared his throat roughly and drew a harsh breath. "Carter, Teal'c - out." When they turned toward him in confusion, Jack jerked his head toward the door.  
  
"This is between me and Daniel."  
  
Both nodded silently and turned, walking out of the room without another word. Jack watched until they were gone, and then turned back to Daniel and exploded.


	5. Rebirth

"You selfish son of a bitch!"  
  
Daniel closed his eyes and turned away, a look of pain etched deeply into his face.  
  
"You think we don't care? You think you're the only one who feels anything? You think you're the only one needing reassurance that your pain still matters? God, Daniel, I nearly died!"  
  
"I know," Daniel whispered, his voice heavy with tears that he refused to let fall.  
  
"I woke up in the Infirmary, and they told me Janet was dead, and it hurt! God, Daniel, it hurt like hell. And I looked around for someone to grab onto, someone to talk to, someone to share the burden with me, and the one face I wanted to see wasn't there. Carter was there. Teal'c was there. You weren't there. Where were you? Where the hell were you?"  
  
"I didn't think you..."  
  
"Stop right there!" Jack raised his index finger and stepped forward. "You didn't think! You were so wrapped up in this little 'outsider' delusion of yours that you didn't think!"  
  
"I just..."  
  
"Do you know what I thought, when you weren't there? God, Daniel! Carter told me that Janet had been killed, and you weren't there when I woke up, and the last place I knew that you had been was with her!"  
  
Daniel's eyes widened in shock and surprise. "You thought I...?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Jack, I..."  
  
Jack lifted his head slowly, and Daniel's voice faded away.  
  
Jack looked at Daniel, at the pain and despair that he had forced himself to ignore, and he let himself feel it. Daniel hadn't meant any harm by pulling himself back - if anything, he'd meant to make things easier for everyone else. Since emotional detachment had seemed to become standard operating procedure for his friends, of course Daniel would have thought that it would make Janet's death easier for them if he stayed away from them.  
  
Daniel hadn't been being selfish with his pain - he'd been protecting them from it.  
  
*Yeah, right,* Jack thought. *I wonder who he learned that from.*  
  
Jack knew that he had no right to be angry with Daniel for not being there for him. After all, where had Jack been these past few months? Where had Jack been when Daniel had needed him?  
  
"Yeah, O'Neill," Jack whispered. "Where the hell were you?"  
  
Daniel tipped his head to the side, and confusion and concern replaced some of the pain on his face. "Jack?"  
  
When Jack spoke again, his voice was soft. "I know that this is what we do, Daniel. And I know that every time we go through that Gate there's a damn good chance that some of us might not be coming back. And I know that if I were to lose any of you... well, when I think about it now, I don't think I'd be able to get through it either."  
  
Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but Jack raised a finger and cut him off. "No, let me finish." Daniel nodded, and Jack continued. "But the truth is, Daniel, I would get through it. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to just give up and be done with it all, because of how much that would hurt..." Jack blinked quickly and took a step closer to Daniel's corner. "But that wouldn't be fair to the ones who survive. And it wouldn't be fair to the ones who didn't."  
  
Daniel stepped forward slowly out of the darkness.  
  
"Someone asked me once why I was in such a hurry to die, when everyone around me wanted so badly to live."  
  
Daniel nodded slowly and a small smile pulled at his lips. "Yeah, Daniel Jackson asked you that."  
  
"Yes, he did," Jack answered with a nod. "And he was right. He asked me that, and when I thought about it - really thought about it - I realized that if I gave up, if I... if I laid down and died every time I lost someone I cared about, I'd be betraying everyone that was left."  
  
Daniel let his head fall and closed his eyes and started backing toward the corner. "I really wish I could be him again," he whispered.  
  
Jack took three quick steps forward, and grasped Daniel's arms in his hands, stopping him from hiding in the darkness again. "You are him," Jack insisted. "You are Daniel Jackson, and you are alive. And I've been an idiot, Daniel, because these past few months, I haven't realized that. When you were gone, when we... when I lost you, all I wanted was to have you back. And I got it. I got you back. But I was too..." Jack took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. "I was too scared to lose you again. And I pushed you away when I should have been pulling you in, and I hid from you when I should have been standing at your side, and I tried really, really hard to pretend that seeing you get hurt wasn't tearing me apart."  
  
"I'm sorry...," Daniel began.  
  
"It wasn't your fault, Daniel. None of it was your fault. It was mine. I didn't let you in and I should have. And you suffered it all alone, and you never said a word. You were tortured, for God's sake, and you didn't complain once about being alone."  
  
"It really wasn't that bad, I guess. I mean, I lived through it, right?"  
  
Jack could see the truth in Daniel's eyes, could see the pain that he tried to hide behind the words, could see the absolution Daniel was granting - Jack refused to accept it.  
  
"You lived through hell, Daniel. And there's no one in this mountain that knows that better than I do. I've been where you were; I know how bad it was."  
  
"You saved me," Daniel said with a slight shrug.  
  
"I abandoned you."  
  
Daniel seemed as shocked as Jack at the words, and the two men simply looked at each other. Both wanted to deny the truth in what Jack had said, but neither could.  
  
Jack took a deep breath and continued. "I made you a promise once, a year and a half ago, that if you were ever in a situation like that I'd save you. I'd bust you out. I'd be there for you. And I'd make anyone who had hurt you pay, and that killing them wouldn't be enough."  
  
"I don't... I don't remember that, Jack," Daniel said softly.  
  
"I know you don't. But I do." Jack closed his eyes momentarily, but opened them before he spoke again. "I broke that promise, Daniel. I didn't make them pay - not nearly enough for what they did to you. And when all was said and done, I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there in Honduras. I wasn't there when the Kelownans were here, when I left you alone with the very same people who killed you and then tried to destroy your name. I wasn't even really there on Vis Uban, when you were lost and alone and confused and hurting and we were the only thing you had tying you to who you are. But I'm here now, and I'm going to stay here this time."  
  
Daniel drew in a breath to speak, but Jack kept going.  
  
"You're right, Daniel. What you said about me - you're right. I have been keeping you out. I haven't let you back in where you belong, because losing you once was hell, and losing you again... I thought it just might kill me next time. So no, I haven't been there when you needed me, and I haven't treated you the way I used to, and I have forced myself not to care about you as much as I did before."  
  
Daniel stepped back and turned toward the corner again. "Because I'm not him any more."  
  
"No, Daniel!" Jack grabbed Daniel's arms and spun him back to face him. "Because I'm a coward!"  
  
"Jack..."  
  
"When we found you, when I saw you, I just... I can't tell you how that felt. And we brought you home, and you were back where you belong, and you were starting to remember us and the way things had been... and then I started remembering things too. I remembered how much I had hurt you, and every little thing I had ever done wrong, and how much it had hurt me to lose you, and then you disappeared with Anubis' ship and I thought that maybe we'd lost you again already... and I got scared. So I..." Jack closed his eyes and gripped Daniel's arms tighter. "I kept you out to save myself, Daniel. I thought I couldn't go through that again, so I pushed you away. I made you feel like you don't belong here. I made you feel like you're not Daniel Jackson any more. And I did it because I'm a selfish son of a bitch."  
  
Daniel looked up at Jack through the tears shining in his eyes. "But I understand. It's okay, Jack."  
  
"No, Daniel, it's not okay. It's really not. And it took almost dying to make me realize just how far we are from where we should be right now."  
  
Daniel tilted his head in confusion. "I don't understand."  
  
Jack squeezed Daniel's arms tightly. "This is where you belong, Daniel. Out here, in the light, with the people that love you. Not in that damned corner. Right here, with me. With Carter. With Teal'c. It's gonna hurt, and at times it's gonna be damned hard, but we have got to get this back. I have got to get you back. For real this time."  
  
The tears in Daniel's eyes started to quiver.  
  
"We both might die tomorrow, Daniel, that's true. But that doesn't mean that we should let that ruin what we can do today. And what I absolutely cannot go through again, under any circumstances, is losing you without letting you know just how much you mean to me. I've done that once and I can't... no, I won't do it again."  
  
Silence descended as the two men stood and simply looked at each other. Jack kept his hold on Daniel's arms, refusing to let him go into the darkness again. They would do this. There would be a lot of hurt to work through, and a lot of damage to repair, but Jack knew they could do it. He knew they would do it.  
  
Because on the other side of that Pain lay a connection so deep and a friendship so perfect that it would be worth any price to achieve.  
  
When Daniel spoke again, his voice was soft but still heavy with emotion. "But how... how do we do that, Jack? How do we let ourselves care when we know that it's going to hurt this damn much?"  
  
"We just do," Jack answered simply. "Take it from me - it's harder not to."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes and reached one hand around Jack's arms to rub his forehead. "And when it hurts too much to go on? What do we do then?"  
  
"You don't do it alone," Sam answered softly from the door.  
  
"You allow those around you to share your burden," Teal'c added.  
  
Jack glanced across his shoulder at the two people standing in the door, and smiled at them. Then he turned back to Daniel. "You find the people you still have left, and you tell them you love them, and you don't waste a single minute."  
  
Sam and Teal'c moved closer in the silence of the room. Jack watched Daniel for some sign that he believed them, that he forgave him, that he believed, as Jack did, that this would be worth the pain.  
  
"You've been doing this alone your whole life, Daniel," Jack said softly. "You don't have to do it by yourself any more."  
  
Daniel's eyes were still closed when he started talking again.  
  
"I was right next to her, and I didn't even see it coming. I wasn't looking; I wasn't watching like I should have been. I heard the blast, and she screamed, and then she... she fell back, and her eyes were open, but she was... she was gone." Daniel opened his eyes and let the tears that he'd been holding back for three days run down his cheeks freely. "I just sat there and watched her die. I yelled for a medic, but there wasn't one, and I was all alone, and I couldn't help her, and I just sat there..." Daniel's voice broke, and he crumpled.  
  
Jack pulled Daniel to him, almost crushing him against his chest. "It's all right, Daniel," Jack said softly. "We're here. You're not alone any more."  
  
"We all lost her. And we're all hurting," Sam added as she wrapped her arms around Daniel from behind and rested her cheek against his back. "But it will get better. We'll make it get better."  
  
Teal'c stepped up on Daniel's other side, and placed one hand on his shoulder. "We are each other's strength, and we shall carry each other through the pain."  
  
"And on the other side, Danny," Jack whispered into Daniel's ear, "there's something amazing waiting. There's something there that the four of us have needed for a very, very long time."  
  
"What's that?" Daniel asked through his tears.  
  
"Us," Jack answered with a smile. "Just us."


End file.
